Have you ever stood on the edge of a large precipice (a literal one) and thought about jumping? Not because you want to die, but because you realize that you are the only think keeping you from doing so. The only time I’ve ever thought about ending my life was in this sort of situation.. I don’t think that it necessary counts for what the question meant it to, but oh well. Standing on the edge of any tall surface (most recently it was a ship during a Whale Watching tour) always makes me the tiniest bit inclined to jump off it; to throw myself into the wind BECAUSE I CAN. Because no one could stop me. And then I think that life is so, so fragile and any second could be the second that you make that proverbial jump, not because you’re thinking of what may happen when you hit the ground, but because you have complete control over what you as human get to do.
In accordance with my current life plan, which is essentially an outline for where I’d like the “major” events in my life to fall, I’m a year off starting to think about marriage, three years out of school (with a completed masters degree), and living up north in New York City or Boston. And I do believe that due to the simplicity of these goals, I will be doing these exact things. I don’t know where I’ll be working but hopefully I’ll have a career either as a photographer or in advertising. I sincerely hope that by the time I’m thirty I’ve been able to travel to quite a few places on my long list, have had (to be quite frank) sex with many different men from all around the world*, have eaten delicious food and done exciting things. I know that I will not have had children by this time or have married someone (these things I know for absolute certain).
It’s difficult for me to say what my life should be in ten years.. I can only say what I know for sure I do not want. Kids. Marriage. Complacency. The South (really Texas, more or less). A desk job. Unhappiness.
As long as I am leading a challenging and fulfilling life, I’m sure to be happy. But then again, I’ve never been one to lead a stagnant life.
Sometimes I think I’ve been single my whole life. It’s the mentality of singleness as opposed to actively being alone. I have never seen myself as comfortable being someone else’s girlfriend (with the exception of the few months in middle school when it was my greatest wish to be one half of a couple). I tend to back off when the pressure of a legitamite relationship begins to weigh on me, and, because of that, I’m the kind of person who has a lot of flings. In fact, I’m usually just looking for a man that can fufill me emotionally and physically without any sort of long-term committment (although I prefer some level of exclusively, mostly for health reasons and peace of mind). To be totally honest, there are times when it gets lonely. Although I do find that I move from person to person quite easily. I have a strong hold on my emotions and can successfully alter them in my favor.
Anyways, I’m single. And I like it. Every now and then there’s a long, cold night where I think I’m doing it all wrong. But freedom is beautiful. And maybe one day, I’ll feel differently about being someone’s something special. But for now, I’m happy being single.
I don’t like to post long paragraphs about myself on here, but I’m going to make an exception in order to give myself a reason to be held accountable for who I want to be from here on out. I wouldn’t necessarily say that these are New Year’s resolutions due to the fact that I’d like to add a little more weight to these changes. From here on out, only those who deserve me will get to have me, and I mean that in any regard. I don’t want to be as giving of myself to people who are reckless with my feelings. I love the person I’ve become over the last two years, and I’m not allowing room for someone to chip away at the confidence in myself that I’ve gained. I’m already happy, I don’t think I need to lose weight, etc. I think I’m my best version of me in every way except for the way that I trust and give of myself to those that toy with me.